I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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