If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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