he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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