I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
