I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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