You just made me feel so damn special
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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