i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I need to align my fucking chakras
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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