Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
