You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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