And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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