Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
