she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
