you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
