When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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