girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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