the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
