he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
