It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
