you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
