finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
