How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
