I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
