I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
