I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
