Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
