so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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