I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
