I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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