??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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