twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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