guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
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The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
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Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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