my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
