I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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