I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
