I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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