Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
