He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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