Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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