So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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