yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
