Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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