For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
