I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A bitchslap is in order.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
