You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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