but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
