last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
