I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
