wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
