tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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