Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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