I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I could fuck to npr.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
