I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
