It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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