i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
