She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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