Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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