i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
